Resiliency—The Lessons we must teach.

The anxiety that parents experience as children grow up is compounded each time their child experiences a set back or let down. This is further impacted by parents concern over how content, successful or happy their child is right now and believe that this is a foretelling of things to come. Because of this thought process parents are concerned about their child’s future quality of life when they see their child struggle at home, in school or socially.

Resilience and the "Resilient Mindset". Resilience is the capacity to deal successfully with the obstacles in the road that confronts us while maintaining their path towards life's goals. Early research has pointed to children who have experienced major adversity in their lives. But the new theory is that the concept of resilience can and should be applied to all children, that all children face different challenges in life and that the children who have developed what we call a "resilient mindset" will handle these challenges with greater effectiveness and success.

It is important that we reinforce the mindset in today’s children. Research has shown that children with a resilient mindset view the world in an optimistic and hopeful way.

According to Dr Robert Brooks, They feel special and appreciated in the eyes of significant others. They have learned to set realistic goals and expectations for themselves. They believe that they have the ability to solve problems and make decisions and thus, are more likely to view mistakes, hardships, and obstacles as challenges to confront rather than as stressors to avoid. They rely on coping strategies that are growth-fostering rather than self-defeating. They are aware of their weaknesses and vulnerabilities, but they also recognize their strengths and talents. They are empathic and possess the skills to develop satisfying interpersonal skills. They are able to seek out assistance and nurturing in a comfortable manner. Very importantly, they are able to define what aspects of their life they have control over and to focus their energy and attention on these rather than on factors over which they have little, if any influence.

A child’s parents play a significant role through positive impact on helping their children develop a resilient mindset, a mindset that impacts not only on their children's current functioning, but ultimately on their future success and happiness.

Dr. Robert Brooks and Dr. Sam Goldstein offer some important tips on developing resilience in children.

1. Teaching Empathy by Practicing Empathy. In order to develop resiliency in children them must be able to feel empathy, especially if they are going to communicate effectively and develop satisfies interpersonal relationships. Empathy is the ability to put oneself inside the shoes of another person and to see the world through that person's eyes. However, this sounds easy enough to understand in reality it is much harder to learn than one thinks, especially when emotions come into play. How do we teach our children empathy? We teach our children empathy when we listen closely to what they have to say, when we validate their statements, and when we say and do things in a way in which they will be most responsive to learning from us. We avoid preaching, lecturing, or offering comments that may be experienced as judgmental and accusatory. Guiding questions that we pose for ourselves are, "Would we want anyone to speak with us the way we are speaking with our children? How would our children describe us at this moment? How would we hope they described us?
2. Teaching Responsibility by Encouraging Contributions. If children are to develop a feeling of accomplishment and pride, we must provide them with ample opportunities for assuming responsibilities, especially responsibilities that strengthen their belief that they are making a contribution to their home, school, or community environments. We have found that enlisting youngsters to use their "islands of competence" in such pursuits as tutoring younger children, painting murals on the wall of the school, watering plants, bringing messages to the office, or going on Walks for Hunger, helps them to feel that they are making a positive difference. This serves to reinforce their motivation and self-esteem as they witness concrete examples of their achievements.
3. Teaching Decision-Making and Problem-Solving Skills and Reinforcing Self-Discipline. An essential component of resilience and high self-esteem is the belief that one has some control over what is occurring in one's life. To acquire this attitude of ownership, children require experiences from which they can learn and apply decision-making and problem-solving skills. We can encourage them to articulate problem areas, to think of possible solutions, to consider what solution might work best, to attempt that solution and to assess the results. This can be accomplished by involving children in discussions of how best to solve particular problems such as issues with friends, having them decide when and in what order to do their homework, having them consider ways to solve problems with a sibling or asking them to do research on a particular project.
   
   The use of problem solving skills can also be enlisted in the important process of discipline with the goal of promoting self-discipline. This is an important goal for all children, but perhaps even more so for impulsive youngsters who display limited use of self-discipline or self-control. One way we can accomplish this task is to obtain the input of children in the development of rules and consequences that affect their lives at home and at school (children are often more likely to remember and follow rules and develop self-control when they are involved within reason in participating in the creation of these rules and consequences). These kinds of activities empower children by reinforcing a sense of ownership, commitment, accountability, and self-discipline.
4. Offering Encouragement and Positive Feedback. Resilience is nurtured when we convey realistic appreciation to children and help them to feel they are very special and important to us. By doing so important adults in their lives, that is, adults from whom children gather strength. Spending special time alone with our children, writing them a brief note of love or appreciation or hugging them are examples of this strategy. We might note that a number of youngsters, such as those with learning and attention problems, are frequently given the label special needs. While we recognize the importance of this label in securing services and funding, we also believe that we could use similar words on a banner that would appear on all of our homes and schools, namely, every child who enters these doors needs to feel special.
5. Helping Children Deal with Mistakes. The fear of making mistakes and looking foolish is one of the strongest roadblocks to developing high self-esteem and resilience. Children are often vulnerable to feelings of defeat and are likely to retreat from tasks that may lead to failure. We must help our children realize that mistakes are an important ingredient in the process of learning. We can do this in various ways, such as responding to children's mistakes by showing them the correct way to solve a problem and not by saying such demeaning comments as, "Do you have any brains?" or "You never do anything right!" In the school setting, at the very beginning of the year before teachers have taught any lessons or given any work, they can introduce the topic of mistakes in the learning process.
   
   In the discussion teachers can share memories of their own anxieties about making mistakes when they were students and involve the class in a discussion about the best ways to insure that students not worry about making a mistake. Placing the issue about the fear of making mistakes out in the open typically serves to lessen its potency, thereby increasing opportunities for learning.

In general, resilience is linked to a sense of optimism, ownership, and personal control. We need to believe in them and providing them with opportunities that reinforce their competence and feelings of self-worth. This becomes our gift to the next generation of young people.