Teens: Warning Signs and Excuses

Warning Signs and Excuses

Teens in violent dating relationships may be hesitant or embarrassed to talk to adults—even those they trust and love—about the issue.

Adults should be aware of possible warning signs that something may be wrong in a relationship. Adults also should recognize that a perpetrator may not seem violent in public settings and may act appropriately when they are around adults.

Teens may use a variety of excuses to justify the harm that is being done to them or their own harmful behavior. So it is also important for adults to be aware of excuses for dating violence, both from the victim and from the perpetrator.

Warning Signs



Dating Violence Wheel

If you see warning signs or your instinct tells you something is wrong, you should trust yourself and consider taking appropriate action. It is important to understand the warning signs and excuses for dating violence so you can help teens develop healthy relationship attitudes and behaviors.

These “red flags” should alert you to the possibility that a teen may be a victim or is at risk of becoming victim of dating violence:

• Suspicious bruises, scratches, or other injuries
• Failing grades
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies that were once enjoyable
• Alcohol or drug use
• Excuses their dating partner's behavior
• Fearfulness around their dating partner or when his or her name is mentioned
• Avoidance of friends and social events

These behaviors may indicate that a teen may be a perpetrator or is at risk of becoming a perpetrator of violence:

• Threatens to hurt others in any way
• Insults or ignores a dating partner in public or private
• Constantly calls or texts to check up on a dating partner
• Damages or destroys a dating partner's personal belongings
• Attempts to control a dating partner's friends, their activities, or even the clothes they wear
• Exhibits jealous and possessive behavior
• Demands to know where their dating partner is all the time
• Making a dating partner feel guilty or shameful with statements such as: "If you really loved me, you would..."
• Blames the dating partner for his or her feelings and actions with statements such as: "You asked for it" or "You made me mad"

Excuses for Dating Violence

Teens who are violent to their dating partners may use excuses to justify hurtful, disrespectful, and unhealthy behavior. Teen dating partners who hear these excuses may start doubting whether their concerns about the relationship are valid or important enough. And some teens may have witnessed similar violence in their family life, in movies, or on TV and may not realize that it is inappropriate.

  Excuses for dating violence may include: 

• “It is not violence.”

• “I was just joking!”
• “I was having a bad day.”
• “Jealousy is a normal part of any relationship.”
• “You got me upset or angry.”
• “It just happened once. It won't happen again.”
• “I deserve your trust, even if I messed up before.”
• “I should be more important than your friends.”
• “My needs are more important than yours.”
• “I didn't mean to hurt you.”
• “You deserved it.”

Why is it so hard to leave?

If you suspect that a teen is in an unhealthy dating relationship, it may be very hard for them to leave. Some of the reasons may include:

•  Love. Teens may sincerely love their dating partners, even if they dislike some of their behaviors.
•  Confusion. Teens may not recognize violent and abusive behaviors. They may be confusing dangerous, controlling behaviors with genuine love.
•  Belief you can change your partner. Teens may cling to the hope that their partners can change if they devote enough effort or time to it. 
•  Promises. Violent partners may promise the abusive behavior will not happen again.
•  Denial. The teen may think, "It could be worse,” to downplay the violence as a common reaction.
•  Shame or guilt. Some teens may feel like the violent behavior is their fault, given that their partners may likely blame them for it.
• Fear of retaliation or harm. Teens may be afraid to break up with their partners out of fear that their partners will hurt them or will harm themselves if the truth were told. 
• Fear of being alone. Teens may fear being alone, preferring to remain in a violent relationship than none at all.
• Loss of independence. Telling parents about a violent dating relationship may put a teen's newly acquired independence at risk.
• Low self-esteem. Teen victims may begin to believe—wrongly—that they deserve to be in a violent and abusive relationship. If teens have previously been abused, they may believe that they are not worthy of better treatment. Consequently, they may accept being unhappy in a dating relationship because they believe they will never find someone better.
• False hopes. A teen may want to be there to help their partner—hoping that things will get better, or simply not realizing what can happen if the violence worsens. Teens also may think the ongoing violence will eventually stop, but dating violence is a pattern of behavior that has been established over a long period of time and will not stop on its own. 
• Peer or family pressure. The pressure to have a partner can be extreme. Pressuring comments from family and friends can make the whole situation more overwhelming by contributing to the victim's feelings of failure and aloneness. Teens also may be afraid of what their friends and family might think if they were single.
• Fear of being “outed.” Many young people in same-sex relationships do not want to have their sexual orientation exposed or “outed.”
• Lack of information or resources. Teens often lack information or resources that may be available to those in violent dating relationships.