Good Enough! Is not always the best thing to tell you child!

So many times I have overheard parents tell their children that they did "good enough", or "you did just fine". Which in a way sounds like the parents settled for their child's success.

Sports in the United States gives a trophy to everyone for participating. Do we really have to provide a trophy for showing up? Is this where we are going with all our youth as the become adults?
 
My youngest son Alex is a Second Degree Blackbelt and a while back he learned the value of just good enough and why its should not be acceptable when teaching children to have a drive to be better. So Alex wanted to experience Karate Tournaments outside his own school. He competed in a tournament and placed third in sparring earning a right to compete in a National qualifying tournament in Detroit.

So off we go to Detroit. Alex has always been a perfectionist. He strives to be the very best he can and adheres to rules to a fault. So we arrive for this tournament and the first thing we experienced was the sheer level of skill and expertise we were up against. We spent eight very tough hours learning that although we were unmatched we had a lot of work to do. Alex took it like a true sportsman. He didn't place last, he fell somewhere in the middle of the pack. But what Alex did after each event, was what said it all to me. He shook the hands of each and every competitor. When he came off of the floor and came over to me his first words to me, "They were amazing!", "I have a lot of work to do."  I found myself almost saying, "You did great." But instead I caught myself and said, "Did you try your best?" Alex said, "Yes, but I need alot of work!"

So here I am thinking that Alex will probably needs some coaching in the car on the way back home, but honestly, I didn't need to do any of that. He talked about the tournament all the way home, how he was going to make changes to his form, and his tactics in sparring.  To this day, more than a year later he talks about that tournament like he was there yesterday. It was one of those learning experiences for both myself and Alex, something that caught me by surprise. He didn't get a trophy, he didn't win, he should have been completely dejected, but instead he was invigorated, inspired and tenacious. 

To re-iterate the experience of everyone is "good enough", I am going to us my son Alex again. He competes in two Karate tournaments each year which is within his particular discipline and he competes against other Karate schools within the over Karate Group. We pay a fair amount of money for the registration, which is as expected, but on the signs for the tournament, it says all finalist will receive a trophy. In reality, everyone who doesn't place first, second and third, you are a finalist.Alex did very well at this tournament, he placed in four of the five events he competed in. Taking a first place in the Weapons form division, which was the most important to him, First in Regular Form Division, Third in Board Breaks, and Second in Sparring. The last event, Sword Sparring he was a finalist. Typically divisions were usually between eight to twelve students. When we went to get his trophy they asked him if he wanted a finalist trophy. His comment, was "if I do not place, why would I want to be reminded I lost."  He also said, "Dad winning isn't everything, but if I don't try to win, how will I ever win." How did my 12 year old son gain so much wisdom?  

After working with hundreds of youth in my career and raising three great kids, my son, came to his own realizations that "just showing up" doesn't entitle you to a trophy, that to feel good about yourself you need to feel good from within, be confident in your skills and believe in your heart that you tried you absolute hardest to do whatever it was you were doing. To paraphrase "Winning isn't everything." But not understanding that you must strive to win, you must experience loss, to value the win and to relish in it as well. 

Thanks for a live lesson Alex! Your the best!