Parents Tips: Raising a Teen!

One of the most dominating questions for parents when it involves their pre-teens and teens is, “How do I get my child to listen to me?” Being a parent and successfully exercising your definition of parental authority can be problematic. Parents can longer rely on “because I said so.” Teens point of view today is to question authority and that in order to respect authority it must be earned.

"You don’t respect me." If a young person feels that you are not taking him or her seriously or that you don’t show them the same respect you expect from them then they probably won’t respond with respect. Examples of respect work best for teens. If you are not getting respect, are you giving respect?

• Respect their friends. Perhaps the most important choice in a teenager’s life is his choice of friends. If you don’t respect his choice of friends, even if you’re not wild about them, you have basically said to your teen: "I don’t respect your right to choose or your choices." You will have more clout in your teenager’s life by making his friends feel special than by rejecting the friends you don’t happen to like or appreciate. If you must address issues with their friends do not attack the person, attack their behavior. For example: If they are use drugs, commit crimes or treat someone inappropriately explain to your teen what you don’t like about the behavior and why its not appropriate.

• Don’t be a Helicopter Parent. Give them time and give them space to make decisions.. Ask questions them questions and provide them with guidance. But most importantly do not if they don’t immediately see things your way. By giving them space and time they will listen to your advice and most likely make the right decisions.

• Respect their privacy. Now with this I mean treating them respectfully, realize that much of what they may say over the internet or via text message my be inappropriate, most of it is not an issue to fight over. Again respect is a two way street, if they give they get. If they don’t, then they should expect privacy to be impacted as well.

"They don’t listen to me." Kids reject a parent’s authority because they feel their parents really are not listening to what they’re saying. The reason why many teens don’t talk to their parents is not because they aren’t looking for someone to talk to, but rather they share the things that are important to them with their friends.

The reason teens prefer to discuss their problems with their friends is that they usually get better results, from their point of view, than they get when they talk to their parents. Teens feel that when they talk to their peers they’ve been heard, not had, or in their minds judged. If your teens don’t talk to you it may be because they feel you don’t really understand where they’re coming from and consequently parents do not have the right to tell them how to run their lives.

"My parents are inflexible." Parent who never make mistakes do not have much respect from their teens eyes. If you are never wrong, never apologize, or never seek forgiveness, you seem unapproachable to them, in their eyes, it’s an impossible, no-win situation. If you are inflexible you choke off dialogue and any kind of respect. While you may rigid in your thinking and force them to do what you want them to do, you ability to exercise a respectful authority is extremely limited. Since we are only human and fallible, then when you make a mistake or are wrong say so, rather than try to overpower them. Be approachable, be available and be open-minded.

"I don’t feel trusted." One of the most common complaints from teens is that they don’t feel that their parents trust them. When talking to teenagers, stress the importance of being trustworthy. Explain to your teen that trust is something that is earned through mutual respect and understanding. If they show that they can not be trusted, then the limits that you as a parent might impose may be more severe than their peers. On the conversely, as a parent look for ways to show trust in teens - let them handle some money situations; let them use the car under appropriate circumstances; give them some freedom, within limits, to manage their time; and allow them to have input into policies that affect them. All of these things communicate a sense of trust to your teenagers.

One of the things that occur in the trust process is that as parents we tend to react, not on the basis of what is happening, but on what might happen. Parents know what can happen as a result we react with fear and suspicion. We pepper our kids with questions. We make accusations on things they might have done. As a result they feel a lack trust and pressured. When we show panic, it has a way of has a way of persuades our teens into thinking that we don’t trust them. Try asking them a question which is thought provoking questions.

“Do as I say, not as I do.” Teens reject a parents authoritarian view of “do as I say, not as I do.”, as a parent you have to lead by example. Driving drunk, use of illegal substances etc can lead to confusing examples for your teen. That confusion, undermines your authority and respect that your teen might impart too you.

"Set the boundaries." I have said this many times in the presentations and working with parents, teens crave rules. In absence of rules chaos takes over. A perfect example of this is the use of internet and cellular phones by teens. It is no wonder that there are issues involving teens getting into trouble using Facebook or texting while driving. They were given immense technology and sent out into the world without the rules. It would be like giving them a car without having a driver’s license and drivers education. The results would be tragic. But another reasons that teens have difficulty with their parents rules and expectations is that they boundaries are unclear. Being specific, explaining and providing them with examples provides your teen with a clear set of rules, with specific outcomes and consequences. If you don’t set clear boundaries, they will test them constantly and will take advantage of any inconsistency or confusion.