The Wrong Crowd: What do I do when I see my teen with the wrong Crowd?
By Robert Tornabene
I am frequently approached by parents asking this very question. My answer usually shocks them, probably because of its simplicity. Many parents expect to have some new book thrown at them or referred to a specialist. But most often they already have what they need to help, the just do not know how to apply it.
My daughters principal once said at a parent meeting that teens go through a period in life in which they “go crazy” for several year and then several years later the “return to reality.” How true that can be, for some parent experiencing the turmoil of transition for a teen and not being prepared for it or even aware it will happen. The transition from junior high into high school is a big one for your teen, and it often leads to significant changes in your teen's circle of friends. The friends that you're used to your teen hanging around may drift away as they get involved with different things in high school, and your teen may connect with another group entirely--a group that you believe is influencing your teen in a negative way.
Here are some simple and easy things that parents frequently forget to work with their teens:
Don’t make the mistake of becoming a friend to your child and their peers. Many parents, think that becoming the cool parent, the one they can all hang out with is a good thing. This can create all kinds of issues, some between parents of the teens and others that might have criminal implications. Remain a parent first and foremost.
Know Their Friends' Parents - If your child is getting into trouble with a group of friends, chances are there are a couple other parents out there who aren't happy about it either. Get in touch with the parents of your teen's friends and discuss what you can do to counter what's happening when your teens get together. You will also learn which parents are contributors to their child’s behavior, attitudes and actions based upon the responses you get during your conversations. While it's tempting to play the blame game, don't fall into that game. You don't want to ostracize the adult(s) who can help reinforce any separation or disciplinary action you have to take.
Find Positive Mentors – Parents, guardians all have to address many issue and so many of us believe we have to do that alone. Whether you are a single parent or you are a parent with limited time to devote to your child because of financial issues finding a person who has a positive influence in imperative. In the world of sales there is a term called “Sphere of Influence.” The “Sphere of Influence” is simply the sum total of all the people you know in your life whom you still maintain contact. You may be amazed to learn that there are many people out there who want to be help. Reach out to those people who might be able to provide that positive influence in your child. Perhaps he or she can foster or develop a skill that you child has interest in, putting them on to the right path in life. If your teen won't listen to your warnings about their friends, perhaps they will listen to someone who's been in their shoes more recently.
I am frequently approached by parents asking this very question. My answer usually shocks them, probably because of its simplicity. Many parents expect to have some new book thrown at them or referred to a specialist. But most often they already have what they need to help, the just do not know how to apply it.
My daughters principal once said at a parent meeting that teens go through a period in life in which they “go crazy” for several year and then several years later the “return to reality.” How true that can be, for some parent experiencing the turmoil of transition for a teen and not being prepared for it or even aware it will happen. The transition from junior high into high school is a big one for your teen, and it often leads to significant changes in your teen's circle of friends. The friends that you're used to your teen hanging around may drift away as they get involved with different things in high school, and your teen may connect with another group entirely--a group that you believe is influencing your teen in a negative way. Here are some simple and easy things that parents frequently forget to work with their teens:
Talk to Your Teen – Many parents run on autopilot for a while with your teen and as a result the lines of communication may be rusty. To address this issue, consider spending more time with your teen. If your teen knows you care about what's going on in their life, they will be more likely to listen to what you have to say. As parents you should also consider how to approach talking about their teen’s friends. This is extremely crucial if it is delivered in the wrong way, teens will defend their friends to the death and will often shut down and close themselves off to you if they feel you are attacking them? Your best approach is to attack their behavior rather then place blame on the friends. You can discuss how their behavior has changed since he or she started hanging out with a particular group of friends. Providing examples of what types of behavior are acceptable and unacceptable is extremely important.
When you do reach the topic of your teen's friends, make sure you discuss the specific types of behavior they demonstrate that you're unhappy with, rather than vague, sweeping criticisms. Addressing it in this manner helps reduce the chances of your teen thinking you just blindly hate their friends for no reason. For example, "I think that (name of friend) is disrespectful of woman. I saw him swearing at a girl in the parking lot after the football game. That's not okay, and I don't want you to think it's okay to treat me that way either."
Have the Friends over - Typical responses when you talk to your teen about his or her friends are "You don't even KNOW my friends!" or "You just don't understand." If this is the case, open up your home and have your teen's friends over a time or two. Order in some pizzas and spend some time with them. Make an honest attempt at building a relationship with them. You don't have to hover, but get an idea of who they are, their personalities and what makes them tick. This is an important part of assessing your teen's circle of friends. Sometimes they're not as bad as their hard exterior and crazy hair lead you to believe.
Know Their Friends' Parents - If your child is getting into trouble with a group of friends, chances are there are a couple other parents out there who aren't happy about it either. Get in touch with the parents of your teen's friends and discuss what you can do to counter what's happening when your teens get together. You will also learn which parents are contributors to their child’s behavior, attitudes and actions based upon the responses you get during your conversations. While it's tempting to play the blame game, don't fall into that game. You don't want to ostracize the adult(s) who can help reinforce any separation or disciplinary action you have to take.
Find Positive Mentors – Parents, guardians all have to address many issue and so many of us believe we have to do that alone. Whether you are a single parent or you are a parent with limited time to devote to your child because of financial issues finding a person who has a positive influence in imperative. In the world of sales there is a term called “Sphere of Influence.” The “Sphere of Influence” is simply the sum total of all the people you know in your life whom you still maintain contact. You may be amazed to learn that there are many people out there who want to be help. Reach out to those people who might be able to provide that positive influence in your child. Perhaps he or she can foster or develop a skill that you child has interest in, putting them on to the right path in life. If your teen won't listen to your warnings about their friends, perhaps they will listen to someone who's been in their shoes more recently.
Comments